I’ve never been a real fan of tv. I’ve always looked down on it in a way, thought tv watchers were below me because I read books. I never realized the philosophical and psychological answers that tv can provide -when you least expect it.
Despite my phone being shut off, I had a great weekend. Discovered some things about myself, reconnected with an old friend, and grew up a little. Finally. I found myself wanting to share some of this with Shane. I imagined showing him my bruises and telling him about how I learned so much in a space of so little time. But then I remembered the look of disdain he so frequently wears now. It’s not hate; I truly believe he still loves me. It’s disappointment and accusation. In his mind, I’ve ruined so much. When I imagined the scene, my defense was “Why can’t you support my happiness?” until I realized that I haven’t been very supportive of his.
Season 1; Episode 22 of House MD (ok, spoiler alert, but this aired in 2005): Sela Ward plays House’s ex-girlfriend. Her husband is dying and House struggles because he still loves her. Ethically, he must save the patient. In the end, his love provides the means for him to do what he needs to do and what she wants him to do. And they live happily ever after.
Dr. Gregory House: [about House's ex-wife's new husband] He’s my patient. I’m sure he’s a good guy, he’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because, I want to be with her, or if it’s because I want her to suffer.
Now, anyone who watches House knows that he is a crotchety old man who never does anything without ulterior motive. I talked to the screen while watching this. I told him I didn’t blame him. That I wanted “her” (old balls) to die too. When he saved the husband’s life, I told him he was a bigger person than I could ever be. And I thought about Shane. I haven’t given either of them much of a chance. I can’t say I will ever be happy with the situation. As she’s thrown in my face so many times, she won. I don’t approve of a lot of the things that have been done. But let me be honest… I haven’t been very mature about it either. I’ve done everything in my power to sow distrust and given them every reason to be suspicious of me. I’ve taken every opportunity to degrade her and threaten their relationship. I definitely haven’t done that on my own. He did ask for pics, blah blah blah. But it’s over now. I cried for a minute or two. Not sobs, no heaves, no breathlessness. A few tears and the realization that I’m doing what’s best. I’m sure I’ll still have my days. I hope I have the strength though to keep my big girl panties on.
I do love him. I will always love him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone… I was wrong. You just couldn’t love me. That’s good. I’m happy for you.
