Instrumental Obscurity

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Thu, 17 Jun 2010 01:12:06 +0000

Fool me once

Mon, 31 May 2010 15:41:51 +0000

LOL.

Seriously. Not 12 hours after my last post…

My kids were supposed to be home at 5:30 this morning (horrible hours, yes, I know, but that’s another story). I woke up at 7 freaking out because they weren’t home, then realized it was a holiday and thought I’d be patient since their dad doesn’t have to work today.

By 9:30, they still weren’t home, so I tried to contact Shane. No response. It’s almost 11. Guess I have to go to the police.

My happiness is not at the expense of yours

Mon, 31 May 2010 15:36:52 +0000

I’ve never been a real fan of tv. I’ve always looked down on it in a way, thought tv watchers were below me because I read books. I never realized the philosophical and psychological answers that tv can provide -when you least expect it.

Despite my phone being shut off, I had a great weekend. Discovered some things about myself, reconnected with an old friend, and grew up a little. Finally. I found myself wanting to share some of this with Shane. I imagined showing him my bruises and telling him about how I learned so much in a space of so little time. But then I remembered the look of disdain he so frequently wears now. It’s not hate; I truly believe he still loves me. It’s disappointment and accusation. In his mind, I’ve ruined so much. When I imagined the scene, my defense was “Why can’t you support my happiness?” until I realized that I haven’t been very supportive of his.

Season 1; Episode 22 of House MD (ok, spoiler alert, but this aired in 2005): Sela Ward plays House’s ex-girlfriend. Her husband is dying and House struggles because he still loves her. Ethically, he must save the patient. In the end, his love provides the means for him to do what he needs to do and what she wants him to do. And they live happily ever after.

Dr. Gregory House: [about House's ex-wife's new husband] He’s my patient. I’m sure he’s a good guy, he’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because, I want to be with her, or if it’s because I want her to suffer.

(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0606043/quotes)

Now, anyone who watches House knows that he is a crotchety old man who never does anything without ulterior motive. I talked to the screen while watching this. I told him I didn’t blame him. That I wanted “her” (old balls) to die too. When he saved the husband’s life, I told him he was a bigger person than I could ever be. And I thought about Shane. I haven’t given either of them much of a chance. I can’t say I will ever be happy with the situation. As she’s thrown in my face so many times, she won. I don’t approve of a lot of the things that have been done. But let me be honest… I haven’t been very mature about it either. I’ve done everything in my power to sow distrust and given them every reason to be suspicious of me. I’ve taken every opportunity to degrade her and threaten their relationship. I definitely haven’t done that on my own. He did ask for pics, blah blah blah. But it’s over now. I cried for a minute or two. Not sobs, no heaves, no breathlessness. A few tears and the realization that I’m doing what’s best. I’m sure I’ll still have my days. I hope I have the strength though to keep my big girl panties on.

I do love him. I will always love him.

Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone… I was wrong. You just couldn’t love me. That’s good. I’m happy for you.

When will this end?

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 17:14:13 +0000

I dreamed about him again last night. In my dream I’d been looking for his new house and found it. It was across the street from his mother’s. She had 3 cars under the carport in addition to his van. Somehow, as in dreams, we were in a different place, shopping I think, and hanging out with friends. And then she called him. He said he had to leave to get her a cheeseburger. I scoffed, asked him why didn’t she get her own cheeseburger. That’s when he killed me all over again. He said, “that’s not the nature of our marriage.” And I screamed. I railed at him; I cried. I threw things, and I left.

Then I was shopping again, buying things that smelled like him.

Wednesday night I dreamed he and were in a parade. Then all of a sudden she was there with him. She even ruins my dreams of him…

Roots

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 00:59:28 +0000

I walked on the outside of the sidewalk,

clung to the crevice where the smells of color alive

were separate

from the outstretched agenda

and profiler. Still wet and littered with leaves,

it seemed the perfect place to examine my genealogy,

the underground reasons I’m still connected to this place.

The man who wore the stiff collar

tried to skirt me, and I folded my cringe

into newspaper boats and hats

to protect myself. His smile made me forget,

just in time for the protesters

and the little brown squirrels to gather.

When I approached the clock tower

I grew into my age

I shook the droplets of inevitability from my shoulders;

and took the proof home with me.

I never should have left here.

Quote from Law and Order SVU

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 11:15:18 +0000

“If I fixate on you, I will disappear…I have to let it go. I have to forgive you somehow.”

Library Books

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 19:54:02 +0000

Checked out some books from the library:

Bloodletting A Memoir of Secrets, Self-harm & Survival; by Victoria Leatham

Sharp Objects; by Gillian Flynn

Women Living with Self-Injury; by Jane Wegscheider Hyman

and

Cutting; by Steven Levenkron.

I keep thinking I’ll be okay, that I can get past this if only I can stop thinking about him. Then I think of her. And I want to hurt her, and I want to hurt myself. It feels like the only hope there is is false hope.

Change of Address

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 17:50:33 +0000

You can’t hurt me anymore

I lied sharply to his eyes.

The smirk he returned

said he knew all along.

He tasted the air with his tongue.

Wet and pink,

it reminded me

of lazy futons

and lakeside afternoons.

He pulled the string,

tighter and tighter

until I couldn’t lift my head.

The only explanation I was left with

had to be swallowed

three times a day.

Be very afraid, he said.

I won’t help you anymore,

he said.

And with that

the pebbles fell down on me,

the gun in my hand was too light

to tear down the flimsy metal sign.

His advertisement

for a resident sane person,

someone who cooks chicken fried steak

instead of crouching on the kitchen floor.

He yanked the pegs out of the holes,

round and square and not so permanent.

Custodial Decisions

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 15:31:11 +0000

I very nicely asked him again to please pick the kids up at school. I tried to be mature about it. I even tried to be honest and tell him that it hurts me to see him, especially to see him with her. His response was: I’m not going to change their schedule. I’m not suggesting we change the schedule. Of course I cried. Of course he got angry. He hates that I’m weak, and I know that. I just want him to understand. I told him that seeing him doesn’t help my state of mind. He told me he’s tried to help for 9 years and he’s done helping. I’m not asking him to go out of his way to help me; I’m asking him to please not contribute to the hurt. But oh no… bring on the hurt. He’s not willing to change the kids’ lives right? Yeah, except for the fact that he’s moving in with her. I realize it’s none of my business what he does, but he has no respect for me as a mother even. I hate that he’s made these kind of decisions that involve MY children without consulting me. I don’t think it was fair or right to introduce her to the kids without me meeting her first. And this is really crossing the line. It’s just as wrong for him to move her into a house with them as it is having her spend the night when the kids are there. I wish there was something I could do. I respected his wishes when Camber wanted to color her hair pink. He said no, so I didn’t do it. This is so much bigger. I asked his opinion about piercing her ears the second time. How can he overlook the fact that I am their parent too, and I should have some say in what happens to them and around them?

Why?

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 21:09:08 +0000

He’s hurting me on purpose. Of course he doesn’t know that I dream of him every night or that I cry for him every day. But why else would he bring her here to pick up our babies? Mine and his. I asked him before to just pick them up at school. He got defensive and now parks on the side of the road to pick them up. It’s not necessarily that I don’t want him here. God knows I want him here…but under different circumstances. Every time he shows up here it makes it worse. And he brings her… He has to know this is killing me. He has to know how much it hurts. He doesn’t care. I know he doesn’t love me, but why can’t he at least have the respect to acknowledge my pain? He’s flaunting her. He’s rubbing her in my face. It’s bad enough that he doesn’t want me. Why would he possibly want to do this? I’m his kids’ mother for goodness sakes.